Title: Behind The Scenes
Author: fazy
Email: chopstickssg@yahoo.com
Pairing: Haldir/ Elrond.
Rating: G
Archive: any, just tell me.
Summary: Isn't life just perfect for Elrond and Haldir? All their needs are provided for by their trusty servants. A little fic of what happens behind the scenes on every rendezvous. POV of Elrond's head servant, Ivan Evander.
Warnings: mention of slash.

A/N: Characters based on the Bagenders (www.bagenders.stormpages.com) idea that Elrond in the 21st century is a filthy rich guy who owns half of Scotland, and that Haldir is currently staying with him. Soulshadow Diamond and I have taken it upon ourselves to assume that they have some sort of relationship going. In our version of the story, Haldir was initially sent by BADGER to infiltrate Elrond's mansion and send quarterly reports back to headquarters.

Haldir, as everyone knows, is the slut-of-Lorien-turned-social-escort. (read: professional high-charging gigolo).

'Behind The Scenes' is part of a series of vignettes that Soulshadow and I are in the midst of compiling. A complete version of the series should (might?) be up in late July. In the meantime, snippets are available at http://msnmadness.blogspot.com/

Disclaimer: Erm... do we even NEED disclaimers? Isn't it a given that fan fiction is written by poor college/ high school students who don't own a damn thing and don't make any money out of their writing? Isn't that what fan fiction is all *about*?!?

c",)


***

Ivan Evander watched his two masters in the library carefully. There was something different about Master Elrond today... something subtly different in his stance and composure, and Ivan pursed his lips in amusement. He wondered how much longer he had to wait before it began. He glanced at the clock. 8pm. They usually retired rather late, no earlier than eleven, sometimes as late as three or four in the morning, but were always up at the crack of dawn. Sometimes even before the crack of dawn.

They slept very little. It was no secret in the house that the masters were... special. No, not weird, not that. And not different either, because 'different' could imply either good or bad, but special. He had grown up knowing they were. Maybe they were a little eccentric, but then again, who in that position wouldn’t be? It was a different world in which his masters lived in, locked away in their sprawling mansion that quite frankly reminded him of a drawing of the magical realm Rivendell he had once come across as a child. Looking around, he felt like he was living in Rivendell itself: the look and feel of the place was so similar. And no surprises there. His great-grandfather who also worked here had once told him that Master Elrond fashioned his Estate based on that selfsame fantasy land. Perhaps the master was a Tolkien fan.

Perhaps Rivendell was the master's idea, and Tolkien was a Peredhil fan. It all depended on who came first, didn’t it...?

Any *ahem* Outsider would have found the masters very suspicious indeed, but Ivan and most of the other staff at Imladris Estate found nothing particularly extraordinary about them at all. Most of them had been in the family for generations, and had been born and raised on the land. To them, it was perfectly normal for the masters not to have died, or aged, or even require medical attention throughout the ages. There was nothing disconcerting about his telepathic abilities, or their speed and incredible eyesight and hearing. Or their ability to survive perfectly well on an inhumanly small amount of sleep.

And thus the arrangement. Every night, Ivan waited up for them. He saw to their needs right up till they... well, he couldn’t very well say 'till they closed their eyes in sleep' because they didn’t. But he was never truly dismissed himself for the night until he was well and truly assured of the fact that both of his charges... uh, he meant, his masters... were well and truly asleep and had no more need of him.

Once he was freed of tending them, he would set about preparing for the next day. Because although the masters were special, he himself was only, well, human, and so Ivan had personally arranged for someone else to be on standby in the mornings, when their services were less needed. Still, Ivan could only trust that bloody fool of a replacement so much, and so every night before he slept he set out to ensure that everything was absolutely perfect for the masters to wake up to.

On the way to bed, he would drop by the chambermaid's. She would settle the more menial tasks of collecting their used clothes and straightening out their toothbrushes.

Today, however, Ivan had a feeling they would be going to-- ahahaha-- bed... early. He smiled to himself. The missus would be very pleased, especially if that meant that he too would be able to turn in before she fell asleep. Part of him itched to send her a note telling her to wait up for him, but then again, he had no idea how long it would be before It happened.

As it was, he didn’t have long to wait. Tried of reading for the evening, Haldir put down his book, and reaching for Elrond's wineglass, had draped himself across part of the peredhil's desk. Even as he watched, Haldir lifted the glass to his lips and eyed Elrond with a strange mixture of adulation and defiance. A curious cocktail, that, but then again, when was there anything not curious about Master Haldir? The man was an enigma, but that didn’t stop Ivan from adoring him like he would his own son.

'Or *unlike* his own son', Ivan thought darkly. His son was almost twenty five now, a fine young man who had broken the family tradition by moving out of the Estate and landing himself a top high-paying job in a multi-national company. Ivan secretly wondered if it was really the result of Elrond's influential string-pulling, but had allowed the child his little fantasy that he had worked his way to the top all by himself.

But the main difference between his son and the blonde elf in front of him was that Haldir depended on him. He depended on him for support and comfort and understanding, all those fatherly traits that his own son had so determinedly evaded. Haldir gave Ivan the chance to be the father Ivan had always longed to be. And Ivan adored him.

His wife adored him too. In fact, most of the household did. They absolutely worshipped Elrond, but Haldir they adored like a child. And he was a child, in many ways. The blonde liked to be taken care of. He liked to be teased and pampered like a little boy, and like a child, was playful and looked to the others around him for companionship and approval. Ivan would often catch him in the kitchens chatting with Mrs Evander or mucking about the stables with the lads, or pottering about with the gardener in his spare time.

Ivan saw a puzzled frown grace Haldir's fair features. Uncertain, the elf swirled the wine and tasted it again, but there was no mistaking the subtle taste. He squinted at Elrond in confusion.

"What?" Elrond blinked, taken aback. A wicked grin spread across the blonde's face.

"What did you put in here?" he purred, his voice dripping with honey.

"What?" Elrond repeated, still not getting it. Haldir sighed and rolled his eyes affectionately. Leaning forward, Haldir captured the other's mouth in his and from his corner, Ivan saw Elrond shudder and return the kiss with a hunger that surprised. When Haldir made to draw back, Elrond cried out in muffled protest and drew him in deeper.

Finally they broke, but only when the need for air became too urgent to ignore. Haldir smiled devilishly. "You've got aphrodisiac in your blood," he teased.

Elrond blinked a few times. Rapidly. "What?" he croaked in disbelief before pulling Haldir back for another searing kiss. "Ivan?" the peredhil wondered aloud. Did Ivan spike his drink? No, Ivan would never do that.

"No, silly," Haldir chided. "You confused the droppers again, didn’t you," he said, grinning wickedly. "No wonder you've been fidgety all evening. Well I can't say I'm very disappointed."

"No you are not..." Elrond murmured as he pulled Haldir into his lap for yet another bout of desperate kissing. Somebody moaned. Who it was, Ivan couldn’t tell.

Ivan let himself fade into the background to allow the couple some measure of privacy and counted to thirty, then quietly slipped out of the room and beckoned to a servant. "Go to the kitchens," he ordered. "Tell them to prepare a tray with three bottles of wine, two red and one white, and a plate of sugared cakes. And make sure to have a small chocolate mousse one as well. Put one of the reds in ice, leave the other two be." He paused to think for awhile. "Have a small vase with a rose in it, and for goodness sake have the plate lined with frilly paper. White, not yellow. Master Elrond doesn’t like the yellow. Have the tray on standby, I'll tell them were to send it later."

He slipped back into the library, wondering whether the couple would keep the night's activities restricted to that one room. He waited. He didn’t have long to wait.

After a few minutes of furious necking, Ivan saw Haldir glance around and stop momentarily on the divan and then meet Elrond's matching gaze. Anyone else watching would have missed the slight crinkling of the peredhil's eyes as he mentally spoke to his lover. Not Ivan. Ivan made it his business to take note.

He slipped quickly out of the library and raised an arm, but it was the startling power of his aura more than the gesture itself that instantly brought all the others in the vicinity swarming towards him. "You three. Run ahead and clear the path to Master's bedroom. You-- dim the lights, you-- get the people out of there, make sure they take everything with them, you-- check. I don’t want a single bead lying around out of place. When you're done, run and get their dressing gowns. Go." The three scampered off.

"You," he turned to another, "and you. Both of you go to the bedroom. Open the windows but draw the curtains. You-- chandelier, dusky orange, brightness level two point three. You-- straighten the bed. Check the bathroom door is closed. Go." Like the previous three, they nodded obediently and scampered off.

"You--..." Ivan paused momentarily as he heard the masters leave the library through the other door before continuing. "You-- follow them, just in case. Make sure there aren't any clothes on the floor, pick up and old glasses... clean up." Ivan knew that in all probability the room was already spotless, but on the off chance one of them had slipped back into the room for something between now and the chambermaid's three-hourly checks, backup was planned. Besides, it never hurt to play it safe.

"The rest of you, follow me."

From long experience, Ivan traced out a parallel route allowing him and his band of soldiers to trot unseen after the two elves. The caught up with them just moments later-- not suprising, since the two kept stopping to exchange kisses. From that point on, Ivan kept his crew within a single meter of the couple's parallel point.

The elves (or rather their rapid footsteps interspaced by muffled moaning, because that was what the group was really following) paused it's progress along a hallway, and from the opposite side of the wall, Ivan reviewed the internal decor and structure of the room. A line of netted windows on the far north, Turkish rug in the centre, a brown sofa set and decorative cabinets westwards and that beautiful embroidered single seater sofa right by the doorway...

Oh, *shit*.

Ivan sighed and rubbed his forehead. "You," he ordered firmly. "Go to the laundry, get two cleaners and tell them to get their stain removal kit for carpets and couches and come quickly. And I mean quickly. Once it dries it'll be impossible to remove." The boy nodded and scampered off.

"And you," he said to his last remaining backup. "Just in case, run down and knock on Stella's room, will you. Tell her to come up, just in case. If Laundry cant get it out, I want Sewing to have a brand new couch cover by sun up. The master has his morning coffee here sometimes."

Ivan sighed as he watched the servant disappear and wondered if he could push for an early retirement.

"Sir?" Ivan opened his eyes to three eager, bright-eyed boys. "The dressing gowns, sir. And we did the passage like you told us to." He immediately sent them off for bedroom candles. The white ones made of high quality wax, and the black, flat candle holders. Yes, the ones that look like the discus made of bakelite, you cheeky little monkey.

A soft shuffling told him that the cleaners had arrived and were on standby. Good. One down, a bazillion possible complications to go. Wordlessly, Ivan slipped into the hallway and hovered at the opposite doorway, while at the same time remaining faded into the background and watched as the lovers brought each other to completion.

He allowed himself to fade back into the foreground somewhat after that, just in case they wanted anything of him, but he needn't have bothered. The two elves were too preoccupied with each other. It was sweet, really. Together, the two elves shared a quiet moment together, just holding each other and whispering sweet nothings into each others ears, presumably in whatever it was that was their native tongue. Ivan had never heard that dialect spoken outside Imladris Estate. But then again, perhaps it was because he hardly left Imladris now. Ivan didn’t need to. Besides, he had enough to do here to keep him occupied.

When Haldir raised a hand to stroke Elrond's cheek however, Ivan noted with a start that the blonde elf's hand was trembling. From passion perhaps? Or was the younger master ill? He made a mental note to enquire to Haldir about his health and speak to his wife about the master's diet. Perhaps he wasn’t eating enough.

But before he could dwell on it further, Elrond had taken the trembling hand strongly in his, and the two were now once again entwined. Ivan faded into the background, and waited patiently till this second bout of lovemaking was over. Once it was, he hovered visibly enough to catch their attention for awhile, just long enough for one of them to notice him lying out their dressing gowns, and promptly slipped out of the hallway.

"Come on," Ivan smiled as he beckoned the waiting group to follow him. "If someone can run down to the kitchens for awhile, there should be a tray waiting. Take it up to the bedroom, please. Thank you, dear. Oh, and while you're at it, tell Vernice to wait up for me!" he called out as one of them disappeared to fetch the refreshments.

He left them hovering outside the master's bedroom while he himself went in to check. Yes... the boys had done a good job of it. Nothing was out of place. Now all that was left was for him to light the candles. He closed his eyes and counted to eighty before arranging the candles and calling someone in to light them, and had the pleasure of seeing the masters sweep in a half second after the last candle had been lit and a quarter second after he had positioned the tray attractively between the bed and the fireplace. Hooray for impeccable timing! He bowed low to the masters as he made for the door, well pleased with himself.

Operation Romancing Imladris was a resounding success.

He waited however, just outside the doorway. His day was not over yet, not until those two fell asleep. Especially not until master Haldir fell asleep. If was funny, really. Master Elrond was so easy to see to; the elder elf had a rather set daily schedule, clear cut needs, and could be trusted never to do anything too unexpected. It made Ivan's job so much simpler.

Master Haldir was a different cup of tea altogether. He was a lot more excitable, more volatile and more unpredictable, and it fell to Ivan to tend to the younger master's emotional health. Ivan always lingered long enough to make sure that Master Haldir truly was sleeping, and not just pretending to be asleep.

Master Haldir did that sometimes, when he was unhappy, pretending to be asleep until he was the only one awake, before sobbing silently into his pillow. Sometimes he pretended to be asleep before packing his suitcase and running away. In such cases, there was little Ivan could do. He couldn’t very well bar the master from leaving, it simply wasn’t his place to do so. But he made sure that at the very least, Master Haldir would have somebody there to talk to when he was distraught, or to keep him company when he needed it. There were times when Master Haldir did not sleep at all, and Ivan would stay with him all night until Master Elrond awoke the next morning before stumbling off to bed. It was during times like that that he was grateful of the master's habit of waking up insanely early in the morning.

Tonight... tonight was good though. He waited patiently for them to tire from their exertions, and when they did, he was quite certain that the two would drift off to sleep fairly quickly. Especially since-- he glanced at the clock-- they had been at it, on and off, for almost two hours now. Ivan gave them another hour at most. By then it would be... oh darn... eleven. He only hoped the missus was still up. Even though they both worked for the masters, they hardly had much time to spend together and he missed her terribly. They would lunch together and dinner together, thank goodness for small mercies, but apart from that their work spun off on different schedules. She was The Kitchen Goddess while he was Seneschal Extraordinaire, and apart from staff mealtimes, their paths hardly crossed. Even their bedtimes differed; she went to bed early to be up by six... he stayed up late and slept in a lot.

Looking around, Ivan realized how quiet it had gone while he was lost in thought. Kicking himself for not being attentive enough, he slipped back into the bedroom, and what he saw there made him smile. The two were fast asleep, curled up in a tangle of limbs, both of them wearing an expression of absolute contentment. He smiled happily. Later, the chambermaid would come to cart the tray out, sweep up the crumbs, and collect the used glasses, but for now, all was silent. He turned down the lights. The candles were little more than pools of wax now: soon they would put themselves out but until then it left a lingering aftertaste of romance in the air, perfect for the few confused sleepy seconds if any one of them happened to drift into momentary wakefulness between dreams.

What a perfect ending to the day. Ivan went to the curtains and drew them tight before finally trusting the masters' care to the universe. It was getting late, and Vernice would be waiting. It was about time he got to her, and perhaps make her wait worthwhile. Chuckling to himself, he left for his own private quarters.