Title: In The Library
Author: fazy
Email: chopstickssg@yahoo.com
Pairing: Haldir/ Elrond
Rating: G
Archive:
Summary: Haldir and Elrond sit down to discuss some serious issues. Very lovey-dovey.


They were reading in the library, Elrond draped across the couch and Haldir spread out among the scatter cushions on the throw rug. It was maybe an hour after dinner, maybe two, time passed differently in their private library. Stepping into that recluse was like stepping into another world, a world cut off from the rest of society.

Haldir looked up and sighed. The fire was burning nicely now, but it was an unnecessary luxury for the two elves. He was surrounded by unnecessary luxuries here in the mansion. The mansion itself was an unnecessary luxury. Not that it belonged to him. No, it was all Elrond's.

He threw a glance at the peredhil and sighed again to see the other elf lost in his book. Any appitite Haldir had for reading that night instantly evaporated. Slightly dejected, and feeling more than a little guilty at being dejeted in the first place, Haldir closed his book and leaned back into the cushions.

The soft cracklings of the fabric shifting under his weight caught Elrond's attention, and the Imladris elf glanced up at Haldir, smiling fondly in the other's direction before the look on his lover's face quickly wiped the mirth from his features.

"Haldir, are you alright?" Since that awful episode of Haldir's last breakdown, Elrond had become unusually attentive.

"I'm fine," he replied softly, forcing a smile for the other's benefit, but all it earned him was a sceptical look from the former elf lord. Haldir folded his arms and looked away, unwilling to meet the concern in his lover's eyes. "Elrond," he said at last, "do you think I'm a slut?"

Abandoning his book, Elrond quickly seated himself beside the younger elf and wrapped an arm around him. "Of course not, meleth--"

"No, Elrond, I'm serious! What do you really think?" he pressed. Elrond shrugged, not knowing what to say, but his silence hardly bothered Haldir. "I mean, for the longest time I was a slut... that was who I am... it defined me. When I was young I discovered I had a skill. I could strategize. I was amazing, Elrond... and I worked on it. I worked and worked and worked until I became the best damn marchwarden Lorien had ever seen. And it defined me. I was the marchwarden. Me. And I was good. And I could go to sleep at night knowing I was good. That I was the best. And it became me. I carried myself knowing I was the best.

"And then I discovered battles and boarder patrols weren't the only thing strategizing was good for. I discovered I could manipulate people. Make them do what I want them to do and think what I want them to think. I could make them powerless before me and strip them of their dignity. I could make them desire me with a flame that burned hotter than..."he stopped suddenly and sighed.

"I had the power, Elrond. I could do it. And so I did. And I let it define me. It became who I was. It was the reason I could sleep at night... knowing I was good at something. Knowing that I was the best. Knowing that i..." Haldir felt his voice falter. He swallowed hard and glanced up apprehensively at Elrond. "Knowing that I am the best..."

He saw Elrond's face stiffen and snuggled closer to him, desperate to feel his lover's heat. "I'm sorry," he whimpered. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I promised. I know I promised I wont do it again... that I'd stop playing the courtesan... unless I have your permission. And I have. Believe me. I have, I swear it Elrond, I have. Don't be angry."

"I'm not angry, meleth," Elrond said, sighing heavily. "I just... hate it when you do. It makes me feel old. And unimportant. I know, I know, just because you entertain someone else doesn't mean you love me any less, I know that. I just... don't feel that."

Haldir lay a hand lightly on Elrond's cheek and tilted his head upwards to meet his lover in a deep, needy kiss. "I'm sorry," he whispered when he finally drew back. "I never meant to make you feel that way. I honestly thought you didn't mind. But..." he trailed off.

"But?" Elrond pressed. "But what?" he whispered sadly. "But what, Haldir? Am I not good enough for you? Am I not worth anything in your eyes? Oh, meleth."

"No," he breathed in reply. "No, it's nothing like that," he said, leaning up to kiss Elrond again. "Don't ever think that way."

"Then what do you want me to think, Haldir?" he said tiredly. "Tell me what to think."

"It's part of me, Elrond. It's what I am... it's who I am," Haldir laughed bitterly. "Do you know I'm actually afraid to give it up? Me. Afraid. But I am. What would that leave me, Elrond, if I give it up? What would become of me? Who am I?

"I used to braid my hair in a warrior's braid. And every morning, I would braid it for Lothlorien. And then I learnt the arts of love, and I braided it for everyone. To show my strength. My superiority, that I could make the most powerful of elves quiver at my touch. And I didn't care if some people disapproved, it didn't matter, the world was so wide... and I could have anyone I wished under my spell..."

He squirmed out of Elrond's embrace and shifted on the rug so that he was directly facing the Imladris elf and stared deeply into the dark brown eyes. "Elrond," his voice when he spoke was barely a whisper, and Elrond could just detect a hint of panicked anxiety in the other's eyes. "Who am I now?" he trembled. "Who do I braid my hair for?"

And suddenly Elrond understood what had been troubling his lover so much these past few months. Haldir had lost his purpose. A deep sense of sympathy washed over him. Elrond knew how it felt like. He had been plagued with that same sense of purposelessness after loosing his twin, and after loosing his king in battle, and again when his daughter had chosen mortality. Each time he was forced to confront himself, his truths and what he stood for, but with the scalding pain of his soul-searching came a renewed sense of self and self-worth. With each tragedy he had reinvented himself and grown stronger in the process.

He looked down at Haldir, at Haldir's beautiful bright eyes now made wide with fear and sighed. "What about... for me," he whispered and kissed him. "What if you braided your hair for me."

Haldir blushed a little, and then turned away and tucked a stray lock of hair shyly behind a delicately pointed ear. "It's so much easier to braid your hair for the masses... the scorn of thousands is nothing to me, because for every person who disapproves there are countless others who do not, and I do not care what they think of me," he said turning back to face Elrond. "But... the scorn of one..." he bit his lip. "I am afraid."

"I will never scorn you, Haldir. You must know that. If you know anything about me you must know that."

And then it hit him. This was the perfect time. Elrond had been waiting, just waiting for the opportune moment to present his gift, and now all his instincts were screaming at him to make use of this one chance. He might not get another opening anytime soon. In fact, he might not get another opening anytime ever.

"Haldir," he breathed, just to get the other's attention before reaching into his pocket to draw out a grey velvet box. "I've been carrying this around for some time, I just never..." he trailed off, suddenly at a loss for worlds. "Open it," he said, clumsily pushing the box into his lover's hands.

In the box were two matching silver bands. Staring at the identical pieces of jewellery, Halidr felt the blood drain out of his face. He looked up at Elrond in raw, animal fright.

"What?" Elrond breathed, somewhat taken aback by the other's reaction. "Is something wrong? Haldir!" he said sharply, starting to panic himself, the blonde elf looked such a sight. Haldir was blanched white and trembling. Elrond grabbed his shoulders and shook him soundly. "Haldir!"

It felt as if Haldir was jolted back into reality, his mouth falling open as he drew a large shuddering breath. "I'm... fine," he said at length. "I'm... fine."

Elrond snorted. "It sure doesn't look that way to me."

"Look, I'm fine, okay," he snapped crossly. "I said I'm fine and I am!" he said before leaning in for another kiss. "I just had a fright, that's all," he said, breaking away from Elrond's lips just to pepper his lover's neck with kisses. "I'm not sure about this. It's scary to live for one person. Things change. We won't be in love forever, Elrond. One day it's going to end." He closed the box and snuggled back against his lover, relishing the way Elrond's arms snaked their way around his waist.

"No," Elrond breathed into his ear. "It's not going to end."

"It will. Nothing lasts forever. If I bind myself to you... and the bond breaks... I will die," he said simply, and with such detachment that Elrond was shocked.

"Haldir--"

"It's true," he stated. "I didn't fade, Elrond," he said, referring to the incident some months back. "But I came pretty damn close. I just know that... I wont be able to take it. And I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty. I'm just... afraid... of what might happen. I don't want to die."

"And I wont let you die. I'll never do anything to hurt you that way ever again."

"You never do anything to hurt me intentionally. Never. Not once. You love me too much."

Elrond felt his face break into a smile. "Then what are you afraid of?" he purred.

"Afraid of?" Haldir smiled in return. "Afraid of... change..." he mused. "Afraid of disappointment... afraid of conflict... afraid of loosing you."

"You cant loose something you never truly had."

"What do you mean?"

"You've never truly had me, Haldir, just the way I've never truly had you. And it's not because I don't give myself to you. It's because you don't let yourself have me. Just the way you never let yourself truly give yourself to me. If you don't give us a chance, if you don't believe in us, nothing will come out of it. You'll always be unhappy. I've been in your position before."

"With Glorfindel?"

Elrond smiled. "With Glorfindel. You know, there was nothing I wanted more than to give myself to him. Thoroughly like, heart and soul. I wanted it with all my being. But I never did. I was too afraid of getting hurt."

"And you did get hurt."

"Terribly. But it need not have happened that way. Perhaps if I had just... allowed myself to believe in him, and what we had... if might have been different. Perhaps if I had given him my heart as well and not just my body it would have been okay. As it is, I have been miserable. Absolutely miserable, Haldir, you have no idea how scathingly it stings. Believe in me, Haldir... believe in us... that's all I ask..."

Haldir listened to Elrond with his eyes closed, but as the Imladris elf drew to a close, he felt the tears overcome him. He buried his head in Elrond's shoulder and wept miserably. "I'm so afraid," he whimpered, clinging on tightly to his lover. "I am so, so afraid. Help me," he gasped. "Don't let me go."

"I wont," Elrond whispered, rubbing his hand soothingly against Haldir's back. "Don't worry. I wont let go. Hush now, it's okay."

You have the gift of foresight," Halidr said softly some minutes later. "What is it you see?"

Elrond smiled fondly at his lover. "I see us," he crooned. "Together. Happy."

"And then? In the future of that future? Am I still alive? Am I happy?"

"Yes you are. You are alive. The bond isn't broken."

"And after that? In the future of that future?"

Elrond smiled. "I see joy," he said, and paused momentarily. "And... I see a child."

Haldir's ears pricked up. "What? A child?" he asked incredulously. Elrond nodded, and Haldir smiled. "Yours or mine?" he teased.

"Both," Elrond grinned. "Ours."

"I mean, who carried it, you or me?"

"I don't know," he replied. "That is hidden from me." Haldir nodded his acceptance snuggled back into his lover's arms. "I'll tell you what," Elrond suggested. "You wear this," he said, taking one of the rings from the box and pressing it into Haldir's palm, closing his fingers firmly around it, "around your neck. Take it as a token of my love."

Haldir nodded, and pressed the ring to his heart.

"And this," he said, handing Haldir the box with the remaining ring, "you keep." Again Haldir nodded, this time silently encouraging Elrond to carry on. "When you're ready... when you feel it is time... wear yours upon your hand... and bring this to me. And I will wear mine."

Haldir nodded blushing furiously. He could not remember a time he felt so shy. He knew such bashfulness was unbecoming of a warrior like himself, and yet he could not help it. He could imagine Legolas or his bothers looking in upon the scene and laughing at him for being a nancy little bitch, but for once Haldir didn't mind. It didn't matter if he looked and felt like a silly maiden discovering her first touch of love, it didn't matter, and he was sure the odd girlishness would disappear by the time he woke up the next day. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He was happy.